john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
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Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.