Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
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Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
How to draw a duck
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
How about I get 100% off by already being there
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.