That stupid look on my face, is my face
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair