Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
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Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
guilty
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking