Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
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Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.