2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
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gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?