Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
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9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.