9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
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BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)