Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
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When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
This was my dad’s browser history.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem