I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
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Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.