One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
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Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My dog learned how to text
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
You had me at “define legal”.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.