Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
You Might Also Like
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I think about this a lot
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one