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There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
m’lady
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I was bored.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great