@FU_Scopely

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

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@ColoradoUgly

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

@ceejoyner

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

@Smooheed

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

@thejamietighe

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

@MelvinofYork

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

@Ramitology

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

@birbigs

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

@maryfairybobrry

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled