The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
For the ones in the back.
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At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I’m too immature for adultery.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
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I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!