The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.