Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

groan^2

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

somebody come look at this

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

Broom by every window for quick escape.