The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.


Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.


If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer


Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.


The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.


Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.


Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?


Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled