DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
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It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
sugar glider wrangler
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window