sugar glider wrangler
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{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Nose
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.