My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y