Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Saw your ex at the shops
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Wake me when AI does housework
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to