Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
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Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.