My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
