keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
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Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost