nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
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The opposite of goth is stopth.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.