“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
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My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”