Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
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Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me if I was a dog
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot