my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
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If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you