One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
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Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.