I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
You Might Also Like
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Happy thanksgiving
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Breaking news:
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…