Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
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My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.