If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
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omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
look at me when i’m typing to you
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.