[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
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For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Owl Sanctuary
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second