Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

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I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”


[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already


My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it



me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?


ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*


“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”




Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.


Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance


[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it