@heat_packingDr I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
@NYC_Blonde Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
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@heat_packingDr 
@krystaunclear Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
@kelkulus The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
@EndhooS [Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
@Strippers_Diary “Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
@pradacid if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
@rachel2manypaws The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
@KimmyMonte *judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
@dreamsinchocola My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
@meantomyself My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie