Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
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Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.