@NYC_Blonde

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

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@heat_packingDr

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

@krystaunclear

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

@kelkulus

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

@EndhooS

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

@pradacid

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

@rachel2manypaws

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

@KimmyMonte

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

@dreamsinchocola

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

@meantomyself

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie