@NYC_Blonde

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

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@Parkerlawyer

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

@chuuew

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

@House_Feminist

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

@MarfSalvador

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

@JimmerThatisAll

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

@jwoodham

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

@bitemynoodle

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

@abbycohenwl

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it