Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
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[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.