I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
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Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Oops
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up