Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
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Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.