“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
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If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Me as a therapist: omg same
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”