One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
You Might Also Like
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
We’ve come full circle
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️