The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
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“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
S/o to @funTweeters .
Möther may I have a snäck
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.