My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday