One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
You Might Also Like
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
the chicken was already gone when I got here
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My safe word is Worcestershire
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas