One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
The honesty is refreshing
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This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Punctuation Matters. Period.
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“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.![]()