The honesty is refreshing
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Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
reminder
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME