I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
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DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.