Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
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If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Dear Lord..
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
This trial is so absurd 😭
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.