I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
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we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”