Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all