@alive_and_dying
@unravelingfire Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
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@unravelingfire 
@rachelichtman A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
@subtweetopath I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
@SondraDeeMe [at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
@TheHyyyype [i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
@ThatEricAlper 
@I_Bl33d_Purple No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
@Roy_oh_Roy Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
@patnspankme Meth is short for Elizameth.
@dorsalstream *runs into a burning building to save the fire*