You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine