You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”


That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”


I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.


Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.


Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.


You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.


Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.


My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.