@alive_and_dying

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

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@unravelingfire

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

@rachelichtman

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

@subtweetopath

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

@SondraDeeMe

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

@TheHyyyype

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

@Roy_oh_Roy

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas