You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting![]()
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Weirdly Wednesday.
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I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.