@alive_and_dying

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

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@Try2StopME

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

@shanethevein

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

@geauxbraves

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

@Fred_Delicious

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

@Aspersioncast

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

@noog

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

@roxyisrad

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

@DurtMcHurtt

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

@Fred_Delicious

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

@DrunkSocialite

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.