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Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
getting groceries
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!