“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
You Might Also Like
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
whenever i wake up before my alarm
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this