mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!