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toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row