I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
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[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
smartest karate player in the world
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
One of the best
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room