When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
🏙👨🏼
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Breaking news:
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.